Life In Progress

To put it bluntly, I'm done on here.  It's over.  I have my reasons and I'm leaving it at that.  Thank you to everyone who visited and left comments.  They were interesting if not helpful.

 

If you need to find me, I'll be over here: http://badlandstoblandsands.blogspot.com/

 

Yes I know it's another blog thingy and this confirms that nothing much changes overall, but...I just can't stand this Space anymore!  That's where I am, deal with it!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Well, I've just completed my secong last essay and I now plan on getting started on the last one tonight.  It's the 20 pager.  I'm frightened.  Anyway, I've found I don't have much to talk about on here anymore besides the boring details on my day and reminiscing on the sorrows of my past.  Woe is me.  Maybe I should talk about all of the random thoughts that go through my head, like I did when I first started this thing way back in...wow...April 2005.  That was a long time ago.  I was a whole different person back then.  I remember that was my easy year.  I was so carefree and homework free that I was in a good mood 24/7.  God, I miss those days.  Now, I'm worrisome schizo on the edge of insanity.  Oh, and I over-exagerate.  Anyway, I've been seriously thinking about my future, and I'm all but convinced to travel overseas and teach english in a new country every years for however many years I can take.  I am also uber excited for Mike and Kay's wedding in June...in Scotland!  I sure hope I'll have enough money to go.  Life in Alberta just isn't cutting it anymore.  I mean I love Alberta, I just need a break from it.  Especially Camrose.  Anyway, I should go and have my shower and practice some guitar before my lesson.

As I await Mr. Deliver Guy to deliver that sweet sweet pepperoni pizza to my doorstep, I'm giving myself a moment to reflect my actions over the last year or so, which isn't hard to do since it's been what I've thought about most.  I've often thought about what I've done that has lead me to this point and I've realized that I've made way more mistakes than corrections.  I mean, if I could go back in time to the beginning of the year, I would kick my ass for being a such a fucking retard.  I went way out of my comfort zone and instead of exploring a little bit, I retracted myself back into my old shyish and risk-free self.  That, I believe was my downfall (well, that and other things outside my control).  Since then, I became an introvert and shunned all of the bad things out of my life and ended up in a hopelessly meloncholy state in which I hated life and like to write mean things and how my life sucked.  Two words: wow.  I've never been meloncholy before.  I've never hated life...to that extent.  And, I've certainly never drawled on for months about the sorry state I was in.  GAH!  Silly obsessions.  I hate them.  They get in the way of everything else.  And that's my problem, I'm a very focused person.  When something really grabs my attention, I focus all of my being on it.  It's a weakness.  And, I have little control over it.  Once my mid is set, it's set.  Oh sure I can convince myself otherwise for a while, that I can forget about it for a while, but even the slightst hint that it may be be coming back, I'm all over it.  Then I have to go through the whole process again.  This time around though, when these feelings evaporated over the summer, they came back in a moment, but with less intensity.  I feel that this is good.  I'm making progress.  It's slow, I know, but nobody goes cold turkey overnight.  Now, I've gotten to a point that at certain moments in my day, I can sense the old feelings in the pit of my stomache, but they go away.  It hurts when I force these feelings down, but the pain is less and less every time I do it.  Anyway, the pizza's here and I am freaking starving.

 

P.S.  Cheers.  Here's to new futures and new possibilities that you cannot plan.

I went to see this movie yesterday.  It was pretty good, pretty enjoyable to watch.  The only problem was the group of annoying little shits around us making completely unfunny remarks (I mean, I've made noises out of my ass funnier than what they said).  Oh, and this one kid had the most annoying laugh I've ever heard.  It was somewhere between a hyena and the wicked witch of the west.  I remember when I was young and my voice was peaking too, but I was like 11 and this kid was looked like he was 16, and I remember how annoying I thought I sounded and tried to restrain myself for the sake of everyone around me.  Oh well.  I'm angry and I need someone to vent that anger on.  The rest of the weekend was fine though.  Friday night, I went with Craig and Mike to Tom's in Edmonton.  Other than Tom's extremely annoying personality, I had a fun time drinking, playing games, going to a frat house, and then to the worst pub in all of Edmonton.  It was like being in a cardborad box with a pool table and cougar wannabe's.  But hey, it's where you go, it's who you're with.  Saturday I just hung out with Dan and Craig at the local Boston Pizza to see some old familiar faces and then we ended the night by watching Casino.  Today, I hope to get at least some work done amid the massive panic attacks I seem to be having lately concerning school, finances, and everything else I can think of.  Well, it's time to eat I think, my stomache is asking for some eggs and bacon and taters!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Blah

I am a small ball of condensed hurt.  I am a whimpering mass of worrisome gelatin that will soon spontaneously combust--ok, not so much spontaneous, but combusting nonetheless.  I have school issues, money problems, and social awkwardness amongst even the closest of people.  Put these all together and they form a pair of concrete boots and I've thrown myself over the bridge.  The very air I breathe is salt water.  School has become overwhelming as usual and I feel like I couldn't even write a 2-pager on the history of the automobile...double spaced...paragraphs optional.  My landlords seem to think I'm made out of money and the energy company decides it needs an extra $200 to change the damn name on our already expensive bill.  I'm pretty sure I've turned into a social leper as I cannot complete sentences, crack a joke, or extend my vocabulary beyond "yeah", "ok", and "uh".  Unless you catch me in discussion of my metaphysics class, I'm about as useful as parrot flying the next Mars Mission.  I have left so many things unsaid to people that I've forgotten what I was going to say in the first place.  On good days, I can compare my life to The Da Vinci Code: sure I'm full of mystery, excitement, and interesting facts, but in the end I'm really full of shit.  God, this has been a downer month so far.  I can't concentrate on a single think for more than minute before I want to sleep/eat/watch a movie.  With all this crap being thrown at me, I'm surprised I haven't cried myself to sleep yet.  sigh.  Ah, whatever.  I just need to put my brain into autopilot and finish this semester before it kills me.

Let's see...Tuesday: Halloween Kegger, Wednesday: Open Mic with unplanned drunken ending, Thursday: Name That Tune...darts...picking up randoms, Friday...AAA Open Mic and Saw 3, Last night: Heather's invite-only party til 4 am.

 

 

 

...this reminds me of a typical Freshman week, only I'm not in Freshman anymore.

 

 

P.S.  I'm so freaking drained right now...just want to...sleep...